Married at First Sight, Mzansi stars Litsoanelo Seturumane aka Dee (31) – a law student and pastry chef, and Khutso Mokoena (34) – a data analyst. (@connect_tv/Instagram)
News24 Life Deputy Editor Kaunda Selisho reflects on the end of Showmax’s Real Housewives Ultimate Girls Trip SA and reacts to the palpable tension among the Married At First Sight Mzansi couples.
When Married At First Sight Mzansi stars Litsoanelo “Dee” Seturumane and Khutso Mokoena said I do upon first meeting on the reality show, their relationship got off to a good start.
Now, halfway through the season, the couple has hit a significant hurdle that has left them arguing for a while.
The most recent episodes of the show saw Khutso resort to keeping quiet as Dee vented her frustrations with some of the comments he has been passing about her and their relationship.
She called it silent treatment while he chalked his silence up to giving her a chance to say everything she had to say while she was upset to avoid upsetting her further by chiming in before she was finished speaking.
Relationships experts assert that the silent treatment is one of the reasons many relationships aren’t working or have failed.
Psychologist Dr Kristin Davin says “silent treatment” refers to intentionally withdrawing from an interaction, refusing to engage further, and shutting the other person out for extended periods.
“When this happens, the person on the receiving end feels invisible, like they don’t matter. Although there are many reasons someone might use the silent treatment, it often has negative consequences and can become abusive,” says Dr Davin.
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According to Kristin, these are warning signs that the silent treatment may be abusive:
– They use it as a manipulation tactic to control the situation or conversation- They know it bothers their partner or spouse but continue to do it anyway- They use it as a form of passive-aggressive communication- It lasts for an inordinate amount of time- It leaves the person receiving it feeling more anxious, isolated, and alone- It forces the partner to reconcile with the abuser- It begins to erode a person’s self-worth or self-esteem- The perpetrator of the silent treatment explicitly blames their partner for causing the silence
The damage relates not only to romantic relationships but also to any other relationship because it is not a healthy way to deal with issues.
Psychologist Dr Nicole Le Pera says silent treatment is a form of stonewalling, where a person completely shuts down, withdraws love, and ignores another person’s existence. In a home setting, “Silent treatment is a form of normalised emotional abuse. This can have a particularly devastating impact on children who experience a parent’s loss of love as a deep wound they personalise. Then, internalise: “I’m unlovable.”
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Dr La Pera says this is what silent treatment is NOT:
– Needing space/time apart.
– Going quiet from a fear-based trauma response.
– Not speaking or needing quiet after an argument.
– Disconnecting with someone or removing ourselves because of boundary violations.
“People who engage in the silent treatment have typically learned this from their own parental figures. They struggle to self-regulate or are easily emotionally flooded (overwhelmed). To heal from these patterns, we have to learn to communicate,” she says.
Communicating when feeling overwhelmed may sound like:
– “I feel myself shutting down. I need to take a break.”
– “I will be able to talk soon after I calm down.”
– “I need space to think, and I love you.”
– “I can’t form thoughts right now, so now isn’t a good time to talk.”
– “My nervous system is really overwhelmed, and I feel angry, give me some time to bring myself back to balance.”
She adds that if you use the silent treatment to punish or control, notice this. Become aware of it. “Return to your body and understand you simply don’t feel safe. Be compassionate with yourself and work on communication skills and conflict repair skills.”
Additional sources: Choosing Therapy.